Hardest Post I've Ever Had to Write

He just didn't get any better over the weekend. He was in pain and it was the best thing we could do.


I'm not really religious and I honestly don't know where humans go in the end, but I believe in doggy heaven...and I know that there is a neverending grassy field filled with bowls of kibble and big sofas and beds for our friends to lay on. He'll be happy there.

I'll miss you Mojo.

If he would just eat something...

...then we could probably carry on for a while. It's like a stupid Catch-22. He won't eat, so we can't give him any drugs. But he's not eating because he feels so crappy. Argh.

He's resting comfortably as far as I can tell. Mostly he just lays on his side, but breathes quite heavily. He's still drinking a fair bit so that is good...he's not dehydrating rapidly....and he's peeing regularly but not so regularly as to be over the top. He still got me out of bed at 2am, but at least this time it wasn't raining...and then he let me sleep for 3 hours before he needed me again.

I can't help but think that if he would just freaking eat something this would have a happier outcome. Well, for the short term anyway. But he's not interested for a reason and I just have to accept that. He's getting weaker and definitely losing weight...poor guy.

At least I have a close friend back from vacation now so he'll go to the vet with me tomorrow if I need him. Arron asked me to be with Mojo til the end...and I want to do it, but I am not sure I can....so having his best friend there will make that easier. I'm getting the blood tests redone tomorrow just to be sure that we've done all we can do. I am hoping for a miracle from the vet.

Getting Along

One day at a time, right? That's how me and the furry pants are taking it.

Last night was a little better. I'm still sleeping on the couch to be near him if he needs me. He only woke me up once at 2am to go outside, then let me sleep through until about 8:30 this time. Unfortunately I think this is more due to the fact that he's getting too weak to deal with his arthritic hind end as often as he was yesterday.

He's still not eating and I imagine the nutrients that we filled him full of through the IV are pretty much gone by now. So he's really just going on his own steam at this point. He's being such a trooper though.

Each trip outside takes a little longer than the last. He gets down the front stairs, but then needs to rest before making it the next 10 feet to the boulevard. Then another rest after the pee. Then another before heading back up the stairs. He must be in agony, but he's pressing on. Our good boy.

So tonight is another night and we shall carry on. I think I'm all cried out for now, or maybe just numb for today. Arron has been quieter on the emails today so hopefully that means he's burying his thoughts in work and keeping his mind busy on other things for a while. I can only imagine what he must be feeling stuck out there. I think this all happened now because nature is trying to keep him safe from having to deal with this in person. Things happen for a reason, even if the reasons don't seem clear to us.

Make Me Strong

I'm a wreck. Emotionally and physically exhausted.

Our vet called me early yesterday evening to tell me that Mojo's prognosis took a turn for the worse. She redid his bloodwork again and his kidney values have actually gotten worse. He is in renal failure. :( He can not recover from this. She is quite certain that the lymphoma has attacked his internal organs, which has caused his kidneys to fail. This is why he is peeing out the fluids almost as fast as he is taking them in and probably why he won't eat.

There is basically nothing we can do for him at this point. Because he won't eat, she still can't give him the prednisone steroid to help make him more comfortable. She suggested I bring him home for the weekend so he isn't living at the hospital anymore. She is sure he is in pain and that his quality of life is on the high end of bad. We can tell because he isn't even wagging his tail anymore or barking or eating or anything a sick but happy dog would do.

So we'll tough it through this weekend, but I'll be taking him back to the vet on Tuesday....and he likely will not be coming home....

It's been exhausting just since I brought him home at 8:00 last night. Because his system is so weakened, the mild athritis he had in his hind end has excelerated to the point of him hardly being able to walk. Our entire friggin house is stairs and it takes every last bit of his energy to get up and down them. He has to pee every 2-3 hours, so that means I'm putting him on his leash, trotting with him down the front hall stairs and then the front porch stairs (in the rain, so that's not helping), coaxing him out to the boulevard for his pee, then trying to convince him to come back up the stairs. More often then not he just collapses at the bottom to rebuild his energy while I try to pet and comfort him while getting rained on. Then after like 5 minutes he can barely drag himself up to the front door. It's so sad to watch. And I'm sure the neighbors love the look of my exhausted ass in a nighty over yoga pants with bedhead and a hoodie at 4am.

Anyway, enough of the depressing details...I just needed to let you all know where it stands. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm doing everything I can. I really miss my Mom and my friends right now...doing this alone is not helping.

The most difficult part of this whole thing is that I am the one that has to relay all of this news to Arron, who is helplessly stuck out at sea. I was a wreck emailing him, but his emails are making me feel OK that I'm doing the right things. He is trying to see if he can come home, but it's doubtful they'd let him leave and it's a $1400 round trip flight from where he is.

Who picks the timing for this shit anyway?

Doggie Day Three

So Mojo had to spend the night at the Emerg clinic again....booooo.

I picked him up from our vet last night and he was stronger and actually barking. Woooo. The techs said he had actually been barking a fair bit of the afternoon...which is good news because he has barely made a peep in days. And those of you that know him at all, know he's a talkative little bugger. I often refer to him as Barky McBarkBark...or Barky McAsshole. :) I was happy to hear his asshole bark!

He looked a bit stronger, but still so much little a sick little old man. I think he was pretty happy to see me until he realized I wasn't taking him home. Dogs are smart like that...they can tell when you turn the car the wrong way.

He had to stay at the clinic with the IV another night because he still isn't eating. The doctor wants to start him on steroids because she is so certain that he likely has lymphoma, but she can't give him the ones she wants to until he starts eating. Hopefully that's today's big success....food. I tried to even tempt him with cheese last night, but no go. He's drinking like a mofo though.

So I picked him up this morning and brought him back to our vet. Hard to say if he's any better...I think he's sick of having to be moved around...and who can blame him. (I have to say I think this whole only one overnight place in town thing is slightly stupid.) I'm hoping he just gets sick of being at the vet and clues in that if he eats he gets to come home.

I'm so lonely without him here. For a year and a half he's been my companion...even when he's annoying and pisses me off. Aside from the week before we moved, when DBF took him in the car to cross the country, I've never been home without him. It's wierd. I keep waiting for him to come wandering in the room and eat the cat's dinner. :(